I accidentally had phone sex last night
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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