Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Is Oprah even human
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
