Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
