I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
