You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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