I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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