The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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