foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
