The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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