ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
