Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
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