Define "chronic" masturbator.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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