ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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