she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The feeling are messing with the penis
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize