I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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