i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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