Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
