After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
When are your genitals available?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
there is glitter all over my balls
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