if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
