I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
