I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
