Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
