people are starting to question the shark bite story
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
