shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
