you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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