I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
