I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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