Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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