You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
