And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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