I hope mine doesn't look like that
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
