I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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