Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
