I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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