my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
