My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
