You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Im just a social blackout drinker.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Rumble strips road head = magical
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
