Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
