pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
40s are totally the cure
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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