I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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