I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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