He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
