If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
