tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
