just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
