Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
