Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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