Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
