and my herpes radar will keep us safe
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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