I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
